Off/On the wagon?
This is not a Quest I imagined. It is a trip already taken, a beginning. This is a spiral journey – once you “arrive” you see other destinations through the window. These are places you must now go. There is no turning back. There is only a returning.
Each path taken brings you deeper into truth; each step closer not to an end, but to another start. We are starting over.
How this looks through human eyes can be disorienting. Logically, as we’ve been taking these Quests since 2011, and alive much longer than that, it would seem that we’d “get it” by now. Life is not meant to be logical.
I’m compiling posts from these Quests for a book, and reading some from the beginning. I’ve changed and grown a great deal since then. Yet today, as we begin another, I find myself at a brand new door. This is not by chance. It is by intent.
We “get” now that life does not happen to us. Life is only possible because of us. There is this great quote from a book I am re-reading, “The Vortex” by Esther and Jerry Hicks:
“Before your physical birth…you experienced no discernible “relationship” between you and Source. You were Source. While you are focused here… the eternal, non-physical…larger part of you remains non-physically focused. There is an eternal, undeniable relationship between those 2 important aspects of you.”
We are gods in physical form. That much we know. Yet again, we are challenged with non-productive thoughts and activities. So what gives? Why do we look to each other and to a host of teachers to lift us up for a minute or a few hours or days? How come we don’t remain “lifted?”
The answer as I’ve recently come to “grock” is found in emotional addictions. This is not a popular concept, yet is has become a knowing for me, not only intellectually but deeply. This Quest will not be an exploration of why humans are addictive; it will be my understanding of how they work.
Addictions are the reason for these Quests. Your ego is the voice of your addictions.
The trick to a satisfying journey is in choosing addictions that you find enjoyable and stimulating. This Quest begins with a discovering of the unsatisfying ones.
Addict is defied “to give oneself up to some strong habit” by Webster. I like that, “to give oneself up”. Even Webster knew – you are not your ego. Your ego is a voice for a choice you’ve made – an addictive habitual choice.
The word addiction has become hard wired to drugs and alcohol. We don’t think of emotional reactions as being hard wired. Yet we walk through our days without full on happiness or joyous engagement. We experience sad, mad, frustrated or anxious again and again and again. We “blame” the media, person, illness, mirror or bank account for these emotions.
This is not a call to blame you instead. That would merely add you to the things you are finding fault with. This is merely exploration.
You see, after many years and journeys, I have a better understanding of how life works. Even with all that knowing, old, repetitive patterns of sadness and fear now envelop me. They snuck in a while back, I’m not sure when. Here’s the thing about them and all addictions – they feel familiar. They are US. We recognize them and therefore let them in with wide open arms. Unlike a drink or a needle, these addictions are barely recognizable. I only just now have acknowledged I was “off the wagon”. It’s been months of confusion. Wow.
The Quest this week will again be intensely personal. It will be a working through another level of uncovering love, coming from a new perspective. You see, we like our addictions. This is why they are so hard to find. What started as a thought has grown into an emotion. This emotion creates a chemical cocktail that my/your brain craves. The longer you feed it, the more it takes to satisfy that need. This is how emotional addictions become every bit as powerful as substance addictions.
It’s time to stop the supply. We came to embody love in physical form. If anyone can do this, it is us. We are the love we’ve been waiting for.
Thank you for taking this journey.
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