but maybe you define me
Consider the meaning of complete*
*(Please see the previous post, as this is an ongoing discussion.)
Complete: “To bring to an end, & especially in a perfected state
To mark the end of
To make whole or perfect”
And consider the meaning of define: “To identify the essential qualities of
To discover the meaning of
To mark the limits of
To make distinct; distinguish”
Within these descriptors sits the basis for our pain and confusion in love relationships. Words are powerful. They contain and emit an energy and emotion. Emotion is the fuel for creation. Therefore, carefully (or hastily) chosen words can harm us or help rebuild us in real time.
What I suspect happened with our cultural expectation and definition of romantic love, is that it was blurred when passion took over.
Things get a little foggy in that playground. When chemically attracted, physical love is overwhelming. It tells our body “THIS IS IT!! THIS IS THE ONE!!! EUREKA!!!! I’VE FINALLY FOUND HER/HIM!!!!!” All of that sounds like “You complete me”, doesn’t it?
Then, when the intense heat of immediate passion slows down, and our glasses become unfoggy… expectations for completion, fulfillment and perfection continue. If there is continued curiosity, and the relationship is ongoing, it may show up within the framework of “Now, how else can you fulfill me, or make me whole or bring my life to a perfected state?” In other words, EXPECTATIONS.
All of these fit perfectly into our cultural dialogue around “true love”. We don’t believe it is supposed to be any other way. It’s what all of the stories say. We haven’t been told there is any other ending besides “and they lived happily ever after”. This assumes we are together in the same home raising a few children, maybe some pets, and eventually “retiring” while holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes.
What is never said is that love, both the blinding passionate kind described here, and any other instant deep connection to our essence, exists outside of that happily ever after. It operates independently of any agreements, ages, laws or contracts. This, the mystery and wonder and limitless nature of actual love, has not been allowed into the dialogue of “happily every after”. The result? We become very confused about how happy we are and how happy we “should be” with the love showing up in our lives.
I remember once hearing or reading, (and I don’t remember where or from whom), that religion was first invented to keep the humans from fornicating all the time! Nothing was getting done! They were too damn happy! So, some authority showed up and defined the people and places where it was okay and “allowed” to express physical passion. I suspect that along with that bunch of rules came a whole lot of guilt, lying and internal confusion. But that’s another post.
For this post, what is being said is that, and especially in these new and powerful energies sweeping over our planet right now, if given a choice in defining what a romantic relationship does for you, which would you choose?
One that brings you to an end or one that marks your distinct and essential qualities?
One that fulfills you or one that discovers the meaning of you?
One that completes you in a perfected state or one that distinguishes you as who you are?
One that makes you whole or one that marks the limits you are actualizing right now?
The first definition does not allow for much creativity or growth or even permission to be someone else. The second sounds a bit frightening but ever-expanding and ultimately free.
I get that it sounds so romantic to have the first sort of relationship. I do. It sounds like the answer we are looking for, the fairy tale ending, the solution to our pain. What I am attempting to introduce here is that you CAN have those feelings, every single one of them, and you don’t need another person to supply them. They are available right now. They are found within you. They exist in your heart; the most powerful organ in your body.
They exist because you do. Once you figure out how to access them? The confusion will dissipate. Your eyes will see clearly, regardless of how foggy your glasses may become. And, you will enjoy a consistent level of deep connection (which is love), as well as, and right beside successful and ongoing relationships all over the place.
There is so much unhappiness around love and it begins with our expectations for what it is supposed to be. If we expect it to come from one person and we expect it to complete us, we will be consistently disappointed because we are complete unto ourselves. When we think of it as defining us, then all love becomes a useful tool in the living of our lives.
We are mirrors for each other, and romantic love provides for us a beautiful framework in which to surround our essence, and see ourselves clearly. Just as our school pictures change as we grow, so too will our love-frames alter the image we see in the mirror, as new parts of ourselves are revealed. These new parts of us show themselves inside of each relationship and remind us of our limitless nature.
Love is huge.
What you must do is trust. Trust that internal barometer that indicates your constant fluctuations of emotion. Know that some of those feelings are showing up as reactions (which tells you it is something external as the trigger), while other sentiments are genuine responses to truth (which is more of an eruption and begins within). Listen to your body’s messages.
We started by saying we are complete unto ourselves. We’ve moved into saying yes and it is in relationship to “other” that we are defined. If we remember that all others exist because we are here to become all that we are choosing to be, we’ll realize that we need mirrors along the road. We are each other’s reminders.
Those mirrors, the clearest ones, are our romantic loves. These are our self-chosen mirrors; cues we’ve placed in front of ourselves, so that we can see what love looks like. It always looks precisely like us. That’s how mirrors work.
There is still a bit more to say… and next week will be the perfect time to say it.
You are the one you’ve been waiting for.
In appreciation for all that you are,
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